As the long presidential campaigns are finally drawing to a close, it’ll soon be time to vote. In the U.S., we vote our interests, but realize we can’t get everything we want.
With that being said, which would be the better sports field presidential candidate?
I haven’t heard either Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump articulate their stances on sports field management and the athletic field industry. I’m hoping we’ll get a few questions answered in the debates — but I’m not holding my breath.
It seems to some, we’re facing yet another “lesser of two evils” choice when it comes to picking a president. So as an alternative, I give you another choice: Candidate Turf. Sure, he’s a long shot, but why not vote for your interests with a write-in vote?
Should he win the presidential election, Candidate Turf promises to put together on his first day in office a team of tough, smart scientists to quickly answer with certainty the question that has beleaguered us for two generations: Which is better, natural grass or synthetic turf? “We will get answers very quickly,” he assures the nation.
Candidate Turf will nominate and get confirmed justices of the Supreme Court that will affirm everyone’s right to access a quality sports field under our unalienable rights to “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.”
He’ll then work with Congress to pass the key tenants of his Great American Sports Field legislation, which calls for an end to field shortages that have plagued our great nation. This is not a new idea. History barely remembers when President Theodore Roosevelt initially marshalled a similar bill back in 1901. Roosevelt’s National Ball Parks bill passed easily in the House, yet one small but key change in committee effectively gutted the bill before it came out of the Senate. A freshman senator from Wyoming accidentally burnt out the word “Ball” with his cigar and the bill came out as the National Parks bill. Oh, well, at least we got Yosemite and Yellowstone out of it.
A man of the groundskeepers, Candidate Turf promises to close the ever-growing “event gap” in which sports fields are being used more than ever for sporting and non-sporting events, but the carrying capacity of the field (or the turf team) has not kept pace. “If they are going to grind your field with events, you should at least see some of that revenue come back to your field operation!” Turf barks out to thunderous applause at his rallies. “I’ll bring back that revenue to the field!” he roars to chants of “Mow, baby, mow!”
Do you ever find yourself pulling a tarp over your field in a torrential rainstorm and wind? Candidate Turf feels your pain. He grew up on a small, independent field cover team in tornado alley, and he’s going to fight for you and your tarp crew. “In a great and wealthy country such as ours, no one should have to work in these types of conditions. On my first day in the Oval Office, I will sign an executive order making our National Guard available to help deploy field covers anywhere and anytime in this great nation.” But Turf won’t stop there. “I’m going to build a great and beautiful wind-wall around our ballparks, and I’ll tell you another thing, Mother Nature is going to pay for it, every penny!”
Candidate Turf promises to dust off the “Stadium Leave Act” that President Obama espoused but never really advanced. Amongst the provisions of this transformative piece of legislation, groundskeepers would be kept to 40 hours per week and get at least two days off per week, with at least one day off each weekend. Also, no more sporting events on national holidays, as turf managers have families, too. “Let ’em watch “Hogan’s Heroes” reruns on Thanksgiving!” Turf exclaims. “I’m not working and neither should the heart and soul of our country, the great American sports field manager!”
Of course, Candidate Turf rarely speaks about how he’ll pay for all of this, at most he grumbles something about a “Cleat Tax on the 1 percent.”
So I implore you, my fellow sports field managers: Write in your vote for Candidate Turf and get on board with the Morning in the Ballpark Party!